Joy amidst insecurity

St. Francis Day was earlier this month, I know, but he is perhaps my favorite saint (St. Cecilia, the patron saint of musicians, notwithstanding) and so I like to use the whole month of October as an excuse to linger on his teachings. An email I received from an ecumenical organization on St. Francis Day encouraged me to

• Be small, not strong.
• Value joy over pleasure.
• Enjoy rather than avoid moments of insecurity, fear, and awkwardness.

 All three of these are behaviors that are contrary to what society values. It is difficult to resist the pull to be the smartest, the wealthiest, or the most attractive. It is really difficult to sit patiently with fear, rather than run away from it.   
 
Trying to live out St. Francis’s values produces discord not just personally but professionally for me as well. I had coffee with a church musician friend recently in which we pondered the clash between our call as ministers of the church and our training as classical musicians. As ministers in the church we are called to be gentle and humble like St. Francis (and Jesus, and….), but as classical musicians we were trained under the baton of conductors who used derision and intimidation to extract perfection from us. (Imagine that iconic portrait of Beethoven: eyes of fury, lips pursed, hair untamed. His image still dominates the world of classical music.) This, juxtaposed with the typical St. Francis statue: kind eyes, gentle hands, birds alighting on his shoulders. Which one am I? Is there a way in which I’m both? Is there a way in which I am neither, with no template to comfortably imitate, having to awkwardly forge my way as merely myself?
 
Feeling awkward…maybe I’m doing something right, after all. Thankfully, as each of us lives out our callings in our own way, we are not alone. We may be sitting with awkwardness but we are also sitting with every member of our St. Andrew’s church family: saints on earth as well as St. Andrew, St. Francis, and all the saints above. For myself and all of us, may this be our joy amidst insecurity, and our peace amidst fear. Amen.
 
Ginny Chilton
Minister of Music