Making decisions about retirement homes

 “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:  a time to be born, and a time to die…  a time to break down, and a time to build up…  a time to mourn, and a time to dance…  a time to keep, and a time to throw away…” --  from Ecclesiastes 3

What do I do in my “golden years?”  Since I moved into The Chesapeake a few months ago, a number of people have talked to me about their own situation.  What goes into a decision about senior living?  I will tell you about my thought process.  I hope it sparks some thoughts about your situation, or perhaps, that of your parents.  In early 2025 I will bring this conversation into the Adult Forum as a venue to have some conversation about you.
 
I have lived alone for 20 years since my husband died.  I lived in a lovely house I didn’t use fully.  I was tired of arranging for people to do maintenance.  I enjoyed the yard work, but it was getting to be a lot.  I was tired of trying to make creative healthy dinners for one. 
 
My husband and I did elder care long distance for all four parents.  The distance added another layer of complexity to an already difficult stage of life.  We had to make decisions from afar, relying on staff to keep us informed.  I wanted to be proactive and not leave the decision to my sons.  One son lives in Connecticut and the other is in Yorktown. My move to Newport News nine years ago was the first step – moving near Matt.  I knew then that I would seek a retirement community eventually. 
 
Nobody wants to need Health Care or Memory Care, but many people end up with that need.  My priority was finding a facility that had the whole continuum of care available so if in the future I need more, it will be here for me.   I excluded one facility because they do not have Health Care. 
 
I only looked at two places because I wanted somewhere near my son who lives in Yorktown and near St. Andrew’s and other activities I am involved in.  I didn’t want to have to start over in a new community.  I know that if I went to Williamsburg or Virginia Beach the distance would become an issue for me.
 
I did not look at cottages.  I would have loved one, but I knew that a lovely little house away from the main building would isolate me.  I could hear myself saying, “Oh, it is raining…  I don’t think I will go over to dinner – or an activity.”  “Oh, it is so hot out…”
 
I looked at apartments with many of the same criteria I had when house hunting.  I wanted it to be spacious.  I am a light lover, and good windows were important.  I wanted storage for “stuff” I wasn’t ready to let go of – craft supplies, yarn for prayer shawls etc. I wavered on one or two bedrooms and chose a one bedroom with as much space as a two bedroom, but the rooms are more open, spacious feeling.
 
I asked questions about amenities, and one deciding factor was food.  I need to eat gluten free, which is a challenge one facility admitted they could not meet.
 
What is your situation?  Where are you now physically, emotionally in terms of your living situation?  What is your support community?  What are your challenges?  What are you tired of?  Ecclesiastes says there is a season for everything.  It even refers to getting rid of “stuff”!
 
My biggest piece of advice is to go sooner rather than later.  Go while you are able and can integrate yourself into the community and make it home.
 
Most facilities have wait lists – of up to two years.  A deposit (usually refundable) starts the clock.  You have much to think about.  Don’t wait to put your name on a list is this is the right move for you.  All the other decisions – like what to do with the stuff you can’t keep can happen later!  (And there are people who can help you with downsizing.)
 
When we wait until we are in need of care, our decisions are limited by where there are available beds and that is often not where we want to be.
 
I knew that it was the right time for me to make this move.  I can live independently here, using the facilities I choose, and when the time comes if I need more, it will be here waiting for me.  There is a season for everything.  Moving into a retirement community is not the right decision for everyone.  What is your situation?
 
I am happy to help you think about how this relates to you.  Look for the opportunity to explore this in Adult Forum as well.
 
--- Carol Chamberlain