Staying in relationship with those affected by dementia

The Rev. Travis Greenman, chaplain at Patriots Colony in Williamsburg and one of our clergy associates, recently gave a compelling talk on Alzheimer's from the standpoint of staying in relationship with those we love, who are living with this heartbreaking disease. I look forward to her next two presentations.

My mother suffered from dementia, and I wish I had known then, what I know now, as well as what Travis offered us, based on her own experience on the job, and as a daughter. Each of us, at some point in our lives will be called to take this journey with someone we care about. How to enter into their landscape, as a respectful and caring tourist on this journey , is a gift in some strange way. For me, as my mother's filter began to slip away, she was the speaker of many truths that she could not bear to utter, for a myriad of reasons ( depending on the subject at hand) when she was burdened with the rules , expectations, and edicts of her generation and family of origin. It was liberating for her, and certainly for me as a daughter with questions.

I offer this from a book I read last month, This is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe. I was able to travel with my mother as new versions of her emerged, and to honor the light she was able to shine on some dark places of our family's story. It changed me, and it changed my heart. I am grateful for the journey.

“To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be. The people they're too exhausted to be any longer. The people they grew out of, the people they never ended up growing into. We so badly want the people we love to get their spark back when it burns out, to become speedily found when they are lost. But it is not our job to hold anyone accountable to the people they used to be. It is our job to travel with them between each version and to honor what emerges along the way. Sometimes it will be an even more luminescent flame. Sometimes it will be a flicker that temporarily floods the room with a perfect and necessary darkness.”  (from This is Me Letting You Go, by Heidi Priebe)

—- Kathy

PS—- Don't miss Travis' next two presentations on Aug. 11 and 25!